Being Honest

Sooooo, It's been a little while since I've posted and a few things have happened.

Number 1) I lost another friend. She's the first one I told I might try this next year and we stopped talking. Over something stupid but it was coming down to the normal, Is this a friendship? Is this a good friendship? It was over something dumb too but like everyone says before...People grow and change and lose friends. After cutting every single friend except ONE out of my life this year for various reasons I didn't think I could afford losing another one. But, I did. How do I feel? Relieved. I was upset at first but someone pointed out--Look at the friendship. Was there anything really lost? And with this one...Not really. I just realized that she was just a number. Which was awful and I do miss the friendship we sorta had but...That's okay. I'll live.

Number 2) I told my other friend what I'd like to do. This is the friend who is an athlete for a college. A pretty GOOD college and she's in her senior year and my polar opposite in everything. We were just hanging out, Me drinking water, her drinking well, smirnoff and I told her. She laughed slightly at first and then looked at me going, "I can kinda picture you doing that." What she basically meant was that she didn't pictured me really well, settled down with a guy since in the past I tend to take off before it go to that point when every single moment has to be spent together. I find that point annoying so we'd always break up. After that she's like, "Use my eggs!" I'm like, dude, I got my own eggs but thanks. Then she got quiet for like 5 minutes thinking. Thinking what? I have NO clue.

Number 3) I set up an appointment. I set up THE appointment. Well not THE appointment but you know the appointments for questions and stuff. It's in January. My doctor still just thinks I'm getting checked up. Well early. How she reacts is how I'll probably react to it all. I just don't want to be looked at like I'm crazy or for anyone to think I'm dumb. I'm going into this as serious as I can be.

Anyways, I'll try and blog more but there's just some days where I'm like Eh.

I hope everyone enjoyed thanksgiving!

Introduction

Wow, this is my first blog in a journey I know will probably take a couple of years. I am going to do something that I know alot of people will frown on and my parents will probably hate.

I'm young. I'm 21. And I'd like to be a single mom.

I understand it's not a choice to go into lightly and maybe I don't have a ticking clock like alot of women do. And if I go up to anyone in the street and ask if me making this choice is a good idea I garuntee 98% of the answers would be, "Sweetie, your young, you have your whole life ahead of you to look for the right man and to start a family."

I get it. I really do. I'm young. I have a good job...I've worked there almost two years and I think I'll stay with it.

The whole, You can look for the right man, I get it. A-lot of the population think children should come from two parent homes. Whether that be a man and a woman or two women or two men.
They can split the responsibility and the love. I know. I respect it. I have two friends who are married and have a child. I’ve told ONE of them I’d like to do it and she said she’d support me no matter what.

Then a week later she said I should seriously think about it. I have.I’ve thought about it since I was 18. Three years isn’t very much I realize that. I would like to be a young mother. My mother had me when she was 19 and here I am two years later and I’m single.

Don’t get me wrong I have had relationships. They haven’t been good and my experiences have just led me to stop before I even GET to the crush level with men. I have trust issues. Right now a relationship with someone is the last thing on my mind and trusting any men? Will not happen. Past experiences will not allow it. I’d rather be alone then be in a relationship.Because of that and knowing that I won’t let myself fall in love with anyone, it puts a kink in having kids.

Have I always wanted to be a wife? No. Have I always wanted to be a mother? Yes.I turned 21 in March. I did my party thing. June, I got rid of all my friends who seemed to be addicted to the drama and settled down with 3 important friends. Two married with kids, one in college and I was happy. I was content. By August I was beginning to feel something was missing and I thought back to my dreams of having a baby.

Am I wrong to want to try the single mother route? Based off the reaction of my friend who told me I should seriously think about it, yes.

I’ve spent the last 3 months researching and thinking seriously about it and I’d like to put my dreams into a plan and start slowly.

I’m not going to run out and go see a doctor and next month try and get pregnant. No way! I understand it takes time and money and emotional stability to try and go down this road alone. I’m too afraid to say anything to my other friends or any friends I’ve made online.

I’ll be 22 in 4 months and I’ve decided that if nothing happens by then or if I still feel the same away about having a baby as I do now…Then I’ll stop researching online and put my thoughts into words by visiting a doctor.

Am I ridiculous for even typing this up?

For starting a blog?

I really don’t know but this is it.

Step 1-Look for support.

*Nadine*